Raw: January 14, 2041
TWENTY MINUTE OPENING PROMO OF DOOM!!!!!111 as the number 29 entrant in this year's Royal Rumble, Butch Fleming, comes out to grace us with his presence. He looks like he's got more venom to spew at the world so let's hear what it is this time around.
"If there's one thing I can count on whenever I'm gone for a long time it's there ends up being a couple of boys who use that time to grow too big for their britches. All of a sudden, they've managed to grow a set in between their legs and think they own the place. But the kick in the pants about all that is that I get to come back into the picture and show them the reality of the situation and who runs things around here. Alexander Piero, credit where it's due, you deserve a pat on the back for taking me up on my offer to get in line and try to do something about what I did last week. Now the best you could do was talk crap behind my back, but, hey, that's enough to get you on my radar so hats off to you! What ended up happening to you was the finding out part of you messing around. Your sad little outrage offends me, Piero! You got a dealt a bad hand last week. Suck it up and take it like a man because you don't deserve this number 29 spot and you don't deserve my attention! You served your purpose as an example and I take this opportunity to extend the same invitation I did last week. You got a problem with me and this Royal Rumble situation? By all means, take a shot and end up like Piero because I'm not going to be questioned! I'm not going to be insulted! I'm going to be the last man standing in that ring after everybody's been sent packing in that Rumble and I'm making one hell of a return by taking that Unified World Title at WrestleMania! And one more thing...Brandon Reigns! I know you're here. You're here somewhere sitting on your ass instead of being a man. For your own sake, you had better rethink this whole cash-in at WrestleMania strategy you got in mind because the only thing you're going to do with that briefcase at WrestleMania is choke on it!"
This is obviously time for an interruption and this time it's going to be the former Intercontinental Champion Seth Von Kamp, fresh off of having his title stolen from him by Ronnie Costello on SmackDown!. Butch looks furious at this turn of events as Seth enters the ring with a mic in hand, ready to gab. "Butch, I consider myself pretty good at reading a room and I think I can safely say that nobody gives a damn about your...what's the term...belly-aching?"
Butch is incredulous at this statement as the crowd gives their approval to it. Seth continues despite Butch's anger. "No, spare me this little show, Butch! I hate to be the bearer of reality, but the truth is we're not afraid of you, least of all me. I don't care about what ticked you off this time around and I don't even know what it is you have to be mad about. You got your number 29 spot in the Rumble. You made your big return. I'M the one with the actual gripe and all this chest pounding you're doing out here is getting in the way of that. I'M going to use this time and I'm going to use it to call out that son of a bitch who stole my Intercontinental Title on Friday. RONNIE COSTELLO, get your ass out here right now so I can do what I was going to do and that's beat you for that belt!"
We get no answer from Ronnie, but Butch is ready to offer his response. "Seth, I've gone easy on you in the past because I've known that you were never one of those guys who was going to have the moxie to try to step up to me and piss me off, but you've both suprised me and proved my point! Look at you out here pretending you're somebody that anybody should respect. It's almost adorable. Of course, you do realize that now I have to teach you some respect for coming out here and getting all up in my business, right?"
"That's fine with me. I got a lot of aggression to get out and if Ronnie Costello's going to be a wuss, I might as well use it on someone who's asking for it."
Things look like they're going to reach a boiling point, but our illustrious General Manager (and Hall of Fame candidate) Lisa Benton comes out to try to quell things. "Hold on a sec, you two. I know I'm on my way out, but I'm still calling the shots around here and this little scuffle is going to have to wait a while. I suggest the two of you suit up and get prepped because you're going to be tonight's main event. And if there's any objection to that, then Seth, you can forget about Ronnie and another chance at the Intercontinental Title. And Butch? You can forget about that number 29 spot in the Royal Rumble. That's final, you two!" And with that Lisa's music plays us out as Seth reluctantly rolls out of the ring, eyes fixated on Butch the entire time. We're going to have an awesome main event...hopefully.
Backstage, Cameron Harper is getting ready when Jake Connelly joins him, looking none too pleased. Connelly is furious as he points out Cameron's mistake last week in eliminating Ethan Lang from the battle royal and then asks Cameron what the hell he was doing on Superstars and SmackDown! associating with Chet Morris and taking part in what happened to Lyle Morris. Cameron looks ready to erupt in tears as he turns to face Connelly. He responds with a major outburst.
"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I DID WHAT I DID?!? What choice did I have?!? All I wanted was to get even with what Lyle Morris did to me a few weeks back and neither YOU or Ethan wanted to back me up on that! And as far as Ethan getting eliminated last week? That was an accident, plain and simple! Maybe he should've been more careful and more in-step with me! I don't even know why we need Ethan! Jake, he's great and all, but I don't know if this is really going to work. I'M the only client you need! Quite frankly, if this whole Lyle Morris situation is anything to go on, I have to just flat out say it: he may be holding us back."
Connelly calmly collects himself with a deep breath before locking eyes with Cameron and replies with a stern tone. "Cameron, I want you to listen and listen really well. I have a reputation to uphold and it's not going to get soiled with this attitude of yours. I have a ship and I have a course for that ship. You're welcome to get off that ship if you want, but I'm not putting up with anymore of this. Tonight, you and Ethan are going to be on the same page, whether the two of you like it or not, or you can call it quits. Are we clear?"
Cameron takes a moment to absorb this, but reluctantly nods and says, "Yeah...we're clear." Cameron takes his leave, with Jake following behind him as they make their way to the ring.
First Match: Ethan Lang and Cameron Harper vs. The Royal Effect
Well, this isn't exactly the team for Lang and Harper to be tackling when they've got the issues they have right now. To Lang's credit, he's professional about the matter and handles the brunt of the work. Harper half-heartedly plays cheerleader in his corner with the framed picture as Lang plays face-in-peril. Things take a turn when Lang gets his second wind, escaping from McKay's attempt at the Mass Effect and delivering a drop kick to McKay's back, sending him forward and causing him to collide with Harper and knock him off the apron. THE FRAMED PICTURE IS SHATTERED!!! Cameron is livid and on the verge of a breakdown as he can't believe what's happened! He looks back to the ring in a fury as Lang continues his comeback. Harper is reinvigorated and slides into the ring with a furvor. Moses McKay is oblivious to Harper's appearance behind him! Harper grabs McKay, shoves him out of the way AND NAILS ETHAN LANG!!! WTF IS HE DOING?!?!?!?! Jake Connelly is just as befuddled as the rest of us as he watches Harper assault his partner! Harper lifts Lang up and hits the Cam Jam! What the hell is going on?!? Cameron slides out of the ring and starts to leave, beckoning Jake Connelly to come with him and leave Ethan Lang. Meanwhile, Moses McKay capitalizes on this turn of events and covers Lang to get the pin. Connelly can't believe what he's just witnessed and climbs into the ring to check on Lang. Harper continues to plead his case to Connelly, but Connelly isn't having it, choosing to stay with Lang as the latter starts to come to. Harper eventually decides to climb back into the ring, standing over Ethan Lang. Lang looks up at Harper as Connelly is shouting at the latter. It's for naught as Harper nails Lang with the broken picture frame sending him back down to the canvas before he leaves in disgust. What the hell was this all about? A question for another time as Jake Connelly and officials tend to Ethan Lang. *****, 95% overall.
Backstage, we catch up with the number one contender to the Cruiserweight Championship, Neil Quint! He's asked about what it feels like to have this opportunity at such an early stage in his career. Neil counters that it's never too early for something like this. "When you're good, you're good. That's what championships are actually supposed to be about, rewarding excellence and finding out who's the best. It's not about whatever circus Michael Hotbody wants to bring every time he shows up. The details may change, but at the end of the day you know that with him, you're getting a clown show. With Neil Quint, you're getting the best. And unlike how Hotbody weaseled his way towards that belt so quickly into his career, I'm actually going to earn that Cruiserweight Title. Hotbody, tell your crew to start folding up the tents because the show's over at the Royal Rumble."
This looks like the perfect time for Luscious to come into the picture and steal some time to provide a rebuttal. Luscious points out that the belt is already around the waist of the best. "Until you've been put the ringer like my boo, Mikey-Poo, you don't have a leg to stand on, Neil!" she claims. "Everything from cage matches to submission matches to fatal four-ways to tables and ladders and chairs and everything in between, Michael Hotbody has been through the fire and come out looking stronger and better than before!"
"Then what's with all the nonsense of him trying to get this match cancelled?" Quint asks.
"Hey, Michael isn't afraid of you anymore than he's afraid of any other person he's conquered! Michael just wants the WWE to show integrity and honesty when promoting its matches to the people. If there's one thing Michael can't stand, it's a liar! You were GIVEN this match and we just all want to be sure that you didn't get it based on a lie! If you don't have a spotless record like Lisa Benton claims you have, then you shouldn't get the match!"
"It says a lot when this alleged brave champion needs you to do all of his talking for him. As far as my record goes, it's WAAAAAAAAY cleaner than a woman like you!"
Luscious is AGHAST at this accusation from Neil and her subsequent gasp in reaction to it is so great it causes her hand to shoot up and across Neil's face in an action one could theoretically describe as a slap. Neil seems to think it's an act of aggression and starts to move in towards Luscious. Luscious is evidently confused as to how Neil could have misconstrued such an action and backs away as Neil follows. Fortunately, Michael Hotbody comes around the corner to hopefully explain things, but Neil bumps face-first into Michael's Cruiserweight Title. Neil is clearly in no position for Michael's explanation to have any bearing so the champ and Luscious take their leave.
Second Match: Dusk vs. Cordelia Capriati vs. Jenna Kyle vs. Carmella Costello
It's announced that the winner of this match will go to the Royal Rumble as the number one contender to Sonya Braddock's Women's Title and speak of the devil, she is here and she joins the announce team to watch.
Brooke is with Carmella as the first people to come to the ring and she uses this time to run down the champion as well as the rest of the competitors. "First, a message to Seth Von Kamp, the FORMER Intercontinental Champion. Ronnie has asked me to pass this along, as he's far too busy being a very important figure now that he's the NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION! Ronnie wants Seth to know that there are no hard feelings. Ronnie didn't really want to be the one to have to put an end to the storybook tale that was your miraculous title reign, Seth. Unfortunately, my new initiative doesn't leave a whole lot of room for sappiness and all that noise. All that matters is bringing all the gold to my side of the tracks. Seth, you were the first victim of this bold movement, but rest assured that you won't be the last. Which brings us to tonight and the Royal Rumble. Sonya Braddock, I trust that you clutched your belt just a little bit tighter when you saw the end to SmackDown! on Friday. You realize that I'm dead serious about my clients going on the hunt for all the champions here in the WWE. You sit there and you watch as it starts to hit you that my goal starts to become more and more real. Carmella is going to walk all over her competition in this match! Look at who we've got. Let's start with Dusk. Dusk, sorry, no offense, but it's just way too soon for you to be in a match like this with stakes like this. Jenna Kyle is nothing more than a pathetic Barbie doll who doesn't even deserve this chance after already blowing it at Bragging Rights. And then there's Cordelia. There may be a special place in hell for traitors, but I've always been more keen on my own brand of punishment. Cordelia, Carmella is more talented than you and she has all the motivation she needs to wipe the floor with you anytime! Seth Von Kamp was victim number one; Cordelia, appropriately enough, you get the honor of being number two!"
Brooke is certainly wordy tonight, but the time for words gets thrown out the window as this match gets underway. Luckily, I've got four talented women tussling here, with Jenna being the anchor keeping things in line. Braddock offers her thoughts on the competitors throughout the match as she watches. Things come to a head when Dusk and Jenna spill to the outside in front of Braddock. Dusk gives Braddock the stink eye and the two have words. The ref tries to calm things down and get Dusk back into the match. Brooke uses this chance to slide some brass knuckles to Carmella. Sophie Waters goes over to Brooke to give her some attitude in response. Jenna manages to slip out of the grasp of Dusk as Dusk tries to send her into the ring post. Jenna shoves Dusk into said ring post, knocking her out of the equation. Jenna rejoins Carmella and Cordelia in the ring as Cordelia has Carmella waistlocked, unaware of the knuckles in Carmella's possession. Jenna waistlocks Cordelia as it looks like we're going to get a double German suplex. Cordelia elbows Jenna to get out of the predicament, but that allows Carmella to get free and she turns around to KO Cordelia with the knux as the ref is checking on Jenna. Carmella covers Cordelia and that's going to give her the win and the number one contender status. Braddock looks less than impressed as Brooke and Carmella celebrate. ****1/2, 91% overall.
The next inductee for this year's Hall of Fame is...Jason Collins! The multiple time World Champion and father to current WWE Superstar Chris Collins takes his place among the rest of the greats the night before WrestleMania, joining Lisa Benton for this year's class. He will be inducted by Pete Shapiro.
Third Match: Kerry Cemenko and Eddy Clash vs. Chris Collins and Hugo
Kyle Jacobs joins the announce team to offer his views on Chris Collins during this match. Chris Collins gets on the stick before the match, wanting to talk about his dad. "I bet you all think I should feel some kind pride over the news of my deadbeat loser father getting fluffed and praised by a bunch of other deadbeat losers for the Hall of Fame, huh? Let me be perfectly clear on this: I DON'T GIVE A DAMN. I'm too busy crafting my own story, my own Hall of Fame career, and I'm doing it without making the same dumb mistakes my father did! Pete Shapiro, I sure as hell wasn't going to do the induction, because I wasn't going to be some puppet blowing smoke up everyone's ass! Quite frankly, every person who takes part in that night and fawns over my dad and whatever crap comes out of his mouth should be ashamed of themselves and that includes any of you fans!"
Chris Collins glares at the crowd as they proceed to boo him. He then turns his attention to Kyle Jacobs. "You see that, Kyle? THAT'S how you handle yourself as the offspring of a famous family. Take matters into your hands and live for yourself because that's the only way you're even going to come close to a legacy like mine. And you've got the best seat in the house to watch this match because there's plenty more to learn!"
This is the part where we talk about how awesome this match is. Eddy and Hugo, of course, are down with continuing their kaiju antics. Things come to an end as things break down after the hot tag with the two giants brawling on the outside, leaving Chris and Kerry as the legal men. The ref can only watch Eddy and Hugo slug it out, allowing Chris Collins to slip out of the ring to grab a chair. Chris hops back on the apron, looking to get back into the ring, but Kyle Jacobs leaves the announce table to take the chair out of Chris's hand. Chris turns his attention to Kyle in anger, but Eddy is back in action, having sent Hugo into the steps. Eddy brings Chris back in via a belly-to-back suplex, folding up poor Chris, and that leaves him open to a Curb Stomp from Kerry and the pin fall afterward is academic. Kyle walks off, eyes on the beaten Chris Collins as he leaves. ****1/2, 92% overall.
Fourth Match: Bonnie Beckham vs. Bobbi Jo
Nathan Quinn announces that the match between his Southern Belles and the Perfections for the Women's Tag Team Titles at the Royal Rumble is going to be contested under Tornado Rules. He claims it's fitting as it's two teams, no excuses. He again complains about the titles being stolen by Bonnie and Leah. "The Perfections are far from perfect. I know them because I made them and they think that they can get even for me dumping them by stealing what rightfully belongs to the Southern Belles! The Royal Rumble is where Hannah and Bobbi Jo put an end to this charade!"
Well, this match is no charade. It's fucking sweet as hell. To think under other circumstances, namely not having the women's tag division, these two probably would've suffered from a roster purge a long time ago. Thankfully I had the tremendous idea of doing this division.
Ahem...anyway, a fucking great match comes out of this pairing as we get a preview of what's to come at the Rumble. We get our finish in the form of Nathan drawing the ref's attention as the ref questions him about possibly putting Bobbi Jo's foot on the bottom rope to stop the count. Nathan proclaims innocence but this is opening for Hannah McCormick to come on down and slide a guitar to her partner, unbeknownst to Bonnie, who has joined the ref in the questioning. Bonnie eventually turns her attention back to Bobbi Jo, who takes the guitar and El Kabongs poor Bonnie, shattering it. Hannah helps gets rid of the evidence and Nathan eventually backs down, allowing the ref to get back to the match and see Bobbi Jo covering the KO'd Bonnie and count the pin. Well, you had to know the country gals would draw inspiration from Jeff Jarrett. ****1/2, 92% overall.
Backstage we go again with Simon Bennett and his manager Paul Andrews. They remind everyone about the match between Bennett and Wrakk for the Unified World Title is, indeed, on for the Royal Rumble. Bennett claims that perhaps Adam Hail had the right idea. "All of this trouble and all of the pageantry surrounding coming back to the WWE after all these years, I might as well make it mean something. This man next to me put a lot of work into getting me back into the thick of things here. This man believed that there was more for me to do in the world of wrestling. Now who am I to refuse such a stamp of approval? Wrakk, I don't know much about landscapes or creating art or whatever it is you've been on about for these past few months. The only picture I want people to take away from all of this is the image of me holding up that WWE Unified World Title at the Royal Rumble. It'll be a picture of the absolute best and a picture where anyone looking at it will say to themselves, 'Damn, right there is a champion. That right there is a guy who went through hell.' Contrary to what you may believe, Wrakk, I came back at the absolute right time."
Fifth Match: The Love Connection vs. The Future Foundation
This was set up on SmackDown! after Aphrodite had a run-in with Vivian Merrick. These two, along with the Royal Effect, have been aiming for the Unified Tag Team Titles held by the Wyldhearts. Speaking of which, the champions themselves park themselves in the aisle to observe. So we get a fucking amazing encounter, which unfortunately is going to get ruined. Coleman and Hilton are legal for their respective teams, but BONZO GONZO ensues, resulting in all four men on the outside, right in front of the champions. The Future Foundation see fit to be offended at the presence of the champions and some words are exchanged. The ref comes over and orders the Wyldhearts to leave. They do comply and the ref goes to try to break up Greene and Merrick, but Hilton uses this chance to shove Blaine Bellamey as he's going back up the ramp. Blaine responds by charging Hilton, but causes Coleman to get squashed against the apron. Robbie pulls Blaine off of Hilton, trying to get him to leave with him. Hilton sends Coleman back into the ring and small packages him to score a cheap pinfall. Post-match, the Royal Effect comes running down to get themselves a piece of the Wyldhearts and we go to break with a massive four team brawl. *****, 95% overall.
I mean, God damn.
Sixth Match: ???
Lyle Morris comes down to the ring with a referee in tow. They enter the ring and Lyle takes the mic and reiterates his claim that his cousin, Chet, is a damn coward. "Now, Chet, I may not know you anymore, but I haven't gone through some BS transformation. I'm still the same so you do know me, and you know that it's not in me to just pack it in. I'm still coming for your ass and I'm not hoping to beat some sense into you! I'm not looking to rescue you! I'm looking to do something that's been long overdue, and that's put a smile on my face for the first time in a long time. And if kicking your ass to get me some payback is what it takes, so be it! So get your ass out here right now so we can get this out of the way because I'm not stopping, Chet!"
It takes a while but Chet Morris does come out to the stage to reply to Lyle. He has a mic and gives his thoughts on all this. "Lyle, I don't want you to misunderstand me. Fighting you is absolutely on my agenda. I need to completely bury you in my past as it's a necessary step for me to move forward. However, I'm choosing to do it on my terms. Of course, there is another path forward, and that is if you, Lyle, open your heart enough to forgive me and just step aside, blessing me with your approval of my decision. One way doesn't end well for you. The other way REALLY doesn't end well for you."
Lyle, of course, pretty much says that's absurd and that Chet can stick this new philosophical crap he's on up his ass. Chet merely shakes his head and says that's a very disappointing answer. "Maybe you should take it up with the man himself." And with that statement the music of Victor Dark hits and the man himself comes on out with Andrea and they make their way to the ring. Victor climbs in, looks at the referee, and gestures for him to call for the bell. The ref checks with Lyle and he has no qualms about it, so this shit is on!
Sixth Match: Victor Dark vs. Lyle Morris
This is Victor's second match and he's just as impressive here as he was in his debut. Lyle is game, but it's an uphill battle as it doesn't look like he fully grasps what he's up against. Plus, he's evidently got Chet still on his mind as every so often he turns his attention to his cousin who is still on the stage observing. Lyle manages to get Victor in position for his Cajun Spice, but Victor catches him in mid-air and turns it into the Darkness Falls and that's going to give Victor his second win via pin. Afterwards, Chet comes down to stand over his cousin's body with a look of disappointment on his face. More drama! ****1/4, 87% overall.
MAIN EVENT: Seth Von Kamp vs. Butch Fleming
Might as well end with a banger. This is Butch's first match on a Raw since before SummerSlam. I say working with an opponent like Seth is a good way to get the ring rust off of you. Both men are spirited as they look to take out their respective grievances against each other. Seth looks like he's got Butch right where he wants him, but Ronnie Costello comes down to the ring, apparently not busy anymore. Seth looks like he's going to try the Collapse of Society on Butch, but he notices Ronnie at ringside, flaunting the Intercontinental Title belt in Seth's face. Seth is too furious to think straight and he makes a lunge at Ronnie, who backs away, and Butch pounces by coming up from behind Seth and nailing him with the Slaughterhouse Special. That right there is going to be enough for the pin for Butch, making this a successful return match.
Afterward, Ronnie slides into the ring to hold the title belt over Seth, followed by putting some boots to the former champion. Alexander Piero makes himself known by coming down, looking to even things out and trying to get a piece of Butch Fleming for what he did to him. Piero stomps at Butch in the corner until Ronnie gets all up in his grill all "WTF, bro?". Piero confronting this interruption leaves him open to Butch clipping his knee from behind and a double beatdown on the two faces commences. We close with the new Intercontinental Champion and the 29th entrant in the Rumble standing victorious. *****, 95% overall.
Overall show rating: 89%
Yeah, eat shit, DUD show.