SummerSlam: August 26, 2040
Pre-show Match: The Wyldhearts and The Dillingers vs. WWE Unified Tag Team Champions The Future Foundation and Galino & Farnes
Was tempted to do a four-way for the titles but changed my mind. Maybe the next big show. Besides, these are always a fun way to warm up the crowd. Madison helps nullify the Vivian Merrick factor as she's beginning to pay dividends for her newest clients. This allows Rick Hilton to suffer a Heartstopper and the faces get the win. ****1/2, 91% overall.
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SUMMERSLAM BEGINS NOW! Your theme is "Going to Hell" by The Pretty Reckless
Opening Match: WWE Intercontinental Championship: Title vs. Career
Brandon Reigns (c) vs. Seth Von Kamp
It's all or nothing for Seth here. Nine damn years with me and no singles championship to his name. The cruel thing to do here would be to say 'fuck him' and job him out and leave him to fend for himself in the purgatory that is the wasteland that I've left in the wrestling world. But I'm not that kind of person...to everyone. Seth gets the duke here after the Collapse of Society and becomes THE NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION for the first time!!! Match quality? Well, I'll let the report do its thing:
Second Match: Alexander Piero vs. Orlando Kincaid
Boy, do these guys have a lot to follow. This is under no DQ rules and probably the biggest moment for Piero as he tries to hang with the big boys on the big stage. This is the first PPV for him period, let alone the first SummerSlam. The kicker is that were this real, a guy like Piero would be dead in the water having to follow a MOTY opener like the Reigns/Von Kamp one. Well, they get through this well enough, Kincaid being a smart veteran. Basically I have to fish or cut bait when it comes to who to add to the upper parts of the card and it might as well be a guy who's had a pretty good first year. Thus Piero overcomes Kincaid's tactics and scores the pin after a Flashpoint to make the most of his SummerSlam debut. ****1/2, 92% overall.
Third Match: Submission Match for the WWE Cruiserweight Title
The Luscious Lover and Undefeated Steel Cage Master and REAL 2040 King of the Ring, The Supreme Submission Machine, Former WWE Cruiserweight Champion-Elect, the Cruiserweight Champion Michael Hotbody (c) vs. Martyn LaSalle
That name is getting out of control. If this were real life, I would absolutely force the production team to squeeze it all into his name display on screen. LaSalle does his best to keep going for the arm in an attempt to seal in the Martynizer. The ref is bumped as after Hotbody rams LaSalle into the corner in an attempt to break free from another go at it. LaSalle looks like he's got things well in hand in the end but he's forced to constantly break the hold to deal with Hotbody's goons. Officials have to come down to get Zed and Galino & Farnes out of there but that silly forgetful Jimmy Farnes leaves the GAVEL OF DOOM behind and Hotbody, in his dazed state, confuses LaSalle's head for a judge's desk and thus slams the gavel into it. Hotbody comes to his senses and realizes where he is and thus locks in the Dragon Sleeper with expert precision and the referee begins to come to. LaSalle can't tap so Luscious offers to help with that by tapping his arm for him. The ref sees the submission and thus calls for the bell. Hotbody retains the title! ****1/2, 91% overall.
Fourth Match: Kerry Cemenko vs. Quentin McDaniels
Damn, these guys work well off each other. I wish I had more do with Cemenko. I'm sure I'll figure it out. Until then, we can all appreciate the sweetness of this match. I figure I've given Quentin the short end of the stick on his big matches this year and he has the better upside in the grand scheme of things. The ref gets blinded momentarily as Cemenko sets up for the Curb Stomp. He comes down but unfortunately lands balls-first on McDaniels' fist. Quentin nails the Great Depression to pick up the pin. *****, 95% overall.
Fifth Match: Kyle Jacobs vs. Xavier Cross
Cross is another guy who I feel like I've been short-changing. I think I can do an extended program between these two instead of just a one-off. And the best way to kick off something like that is to let the heel steal a cheap win. Jacobs sets up for the Legacy Bomb but Cross rakes the eyes to block that and he reverses it into a Cross Cutter and uses a rope-assisted pin to score the victory. *****, 95% overall.
Sixth Match: WWE Women's Tag Team Championship with Special Guest Referee Riott
WWE Women's Champion Naomi Bailey and Eclypse vs. The Lonely Girls
Aaaaaaaand here we go. I feel like this was going to be the main event with the way I was booking the shows leading up to this. Anyways, Riott pays homage to Mick Foley with a homemade referee shirt with the painted stripes and everything. She does her complete entrance INCLUDING THE PIPE LICK!!! Lisa Benton comes out in the middle of the entrance to ask Riott to surrender the pipe as she has no actual use for it in this role in a funny bit. The heels, of course, overpower the Lonely Girls. Faith, in particular was born to get tossed around like a rag doll and sell it like death. Jenna manages to get the hot tag and level things out but it's the double face-in-peril trick as she gets dominated. Riott keeps calling things even but also has to put up with Jenna begging her to not stop the match. We eventually get to the second hot tag and it's BONZO GONZO as Faith gives no fucks and flies around with abandon. It comes down to Jenna and Naomi after Jenna makes a blind tag when it looks like Faith is on the outs and Eclypse is down and out on the outside. Naomi doesn't realize it and goes to punt Faith but Faith catches it and counters into the Crisis of Faith! Jenna comes in and puts an exclamation point on it with the Kyle Driver! Riott goes to make the count! 1....2...3!!! JENNA AND FAITH HAVE DONE IT! Riott awards the title and raises their hands and we get an extended celebration as Jenna and Faith go into the crowd. *****, 96% overall.
Seventh Match: Wrakk vs. Haven
Last year's planned main event finally gets realized here. It's a battle of monsters as they each try to one up the other. I don't feel like either guy should job here as Wrakk just barely came back. So let's go this route: they brawl like madmen up the ramp as the ref has no choice but to call for the double countout. Wrakk tries to give Haven the Demon Cross off the stage but Haven escapes and takes them both off the stage to the clutter below with a belly-to-back suplex! We get medical personnel down there to check on the two behemoths. *****, 96% overall.
MAIN EVENT: Hell in a Cell for the WWE Unified World Championship
Butch Fleming (c) vs. Noah Carmichael
So no matter the winner here, I plan on this being the last encounter between these two. This feud was started in 3.0 and it feels funny finishing it off in 4.2. Of course, if Fleming hadn't been such a fucking idiot this would've been blown off a long time ago. It just seems like an obligation, at least from my perspective as I've been the one booking this crap. Anyways, as neither man has it in them to do sick bumps they must resort to other creative brutal measures to handle things. The canvas has so little white left on it at the end it might as well be a Jackson Pollock painting. It's years of frustration unleashed on each other and it's just great stuff. Carmichael ultimately finds it in him to go Lizzy Borden on Fleming but with the steel steps instead of an axe. He decides to finish things with the ultimate insult: USING FLEMING'S OWN SLAUGHTERHOUSE SPECIAL ON THE STEPS!!! He manages a lazy cover but it's academic at this point as the ref counts the three and thus Carmichael wins the title for a fourth time! The cell raises so we can get some help. Both men do the stretcher job BUT SALVATORE SCABBIA COMES DOWN TO ATTACK CARMICHAEL. He steals the stretcher and rams it into the set causing some of it to crash down on Carmichael. How rude can one man be? That's going to take forever to clean up. *****, 98% overall.
Overall show rating: 96%