Raw: September 17, 2040
Opening Match: Lonny Richards, The Perfections, Eclypse, and the WWE Women's Champion Naomi Bailey vs. Mathias, The Glitz Girls, and the WWE Women's Tag Team Champions The Lonely Girls
That's a lot of ass in an opening contest!
It's a pretty weird reversal of the usual dynamic in mixed-tag matches where it's mostly guys and two women. We know where the heat is in this match anyway. Naomi wants to point out that her and Eclypse are A WELL-OILED MACHINE and that things will continue to go their way because she's the captain and she calls the shots AS A CHAMPION SHOULD! Eclypse apparently shares this sentiment in her own way by giving Naomi the stink eye throughout the match. It's a wild opener and things come to a head as once again Jenna Kyle is at the mercy of Naomi Bailey. Eclypse feels like one good turn deserves another and decides to tag herself in. This, of course, leads to some calm rational debate over the matter between Eclypse and Naomi...minus the calm and the rational. Bonnie Beckham takes advantage by tagging herself in and trying her luck but Jenna recovers and small packages Bonnie for the pin as Faith dropkicks Eclypse and Naomi. ****1/2, 91% overall.
Backstage we're joined by Vivian Merrick and her clients, the WWE Unified Tag Team Champions The Future Foundation. They want to talk about the level of unfairness that's going to go down next week on Superstars in the gauntlet match for their titles. As great as a team that they are, going through all of the competition in one night is going to put them at a severe disadvantage when they make it to the end. All it's going to take is some lucky pair of vultures to pounce on a moment of weakness and the titles can be kissed goodbye. The very least that Lisa Benton can do is let the Future Foundation go last! They warn any team that will be participating to look sharp and pound down those energy drinks because the Future Foundation can be vicious vultures, too.
It's time for The New Age Intellectual Savior to the Masses, The 2031 Fulton County First Place Conga Award Winner, The Luscious Lover and Undefeated Steel Cage Master and REAL 2040 King of the Ring, The Supreme Submission Machine, Former WWE Cruiserweight Champion-Elect, the Cruiserweight Champion Michael Hotbody to join us as he looks ready to apparently defend his Cruiserweight Title! He's got Luscious with him and something on a table underneath a cloth. He grabs the mic and addresses the crowd.
"Alright, the time has come for me to help put an end to whatever questions and concerns people may have regarding the number one contender to my Cruiserweight Title. Last week was supposed to solve that little problem but science, unfortunately, won out in that arena so here we are. I promised you all that I would take care of things and thus you will all see a number one contender get named AND you will also see that challenger get their championship match, right here, right now! Now, I have consulted with my legal team and they have made sure that anything that goes down here tonight is on the up and up and totally legit. So without further ado, Luscious, let's do this!"
Luscious performs a slight flourish before removing the cloth covering whatever is on the table. We get the reveal of a tumbler underneath and Hotbody continues his spiel.
"Now, what I did, in order to be FAIR AND EQUAL is pop a bunch of names of potential candidates who will be able to challenge me tonight into this container. The lovely Luscious is going to give this a spin and we're going to pick out a name and that person will get their chance at glory by facing me for the Cruiserweight Title. It will be TOTALLY RANDOM and TOTALLY FAIR! This way, everyone has an equal chance, nobody's feelings get hurt. Just a luck of the draw situation. So let's get to it. Take it away, Luscious!"
At Hotbody's instruction, Luscious turns the crank and shuffles things around for a moment before reaching in and pulling out a name and handing it to Hotbody to read out.
"Alright, here we go. Referee, get ready to ring the bell and call this match down the middle! Tonight...your number one contender and my worthy opponent....EL DANDY!!! El Dandy, get your ass down here right now! This has been a long time coming between you and me so let's do this, Frenchie! I'm not afraid of you! Come on, boy! This is a chance of a lifetime, don't keep us waiting! Come on, where are you?!?"
Eventually enough time passes to where Luscious merely shrugs her shoulders and Hotbody gives up. "Alright, fine! Be that way! You didn't really deserve to face me anyway! You want to sit on your ass? FINE BY ME! That's a forfeit win for me! Now, we still need to deliver on a match as promised, though, so Luscious, let's try this again. Show me what you got!"
Luscious responds by doing a sexy little twirl, indeed showing him what she's got, before going to the tumbler again. She pulls out another name and hands it to Hotbody.
"OK, I think this is the one. THIS PERSON will be the one who's got some stones and will actually come out here and face me like a man! I can feel it! Alright, let's open this sucker up and find out who's the lucky winner. I will be defending my Cruiserweight Title against....THE BIG SHOW! Wait, what? OK, Luscious, come on now! What is this? He's not even a cruiserweight! And even if he were to face me I'd mop the floor with him so quickly these people would be rightfully upset about getting ripped off! They came to see a match for this championship and that's what we're going to give them. Come on, let's try this again. This is serious!"
Apparently Lisa Benton has seen enough of this nonsense as she pops on the screen to interrupt. "Hotbody. Luscious. This is ridiculous and you're wasting valuable time on my show. This has gone far enough. You don't want to actually take this seriously? I'll do it for you."
"Hey, I am taking this ser...!"
"SHUT UP! This is what's going to happen, Michael. You promised a championship match tonight, so I'm going to hold you to it. So you're going to pull another name out of that tumbler and I don't care if it's not even a cruiserweight or even a real person. I am ordering the official to ring the bell and if it's another B.S. pick where no one shows up YOU WILL FORFEIT the Cruiserweight Title. So you had better hope for your sake that there's a name in there that can actually compete because it's your ass on the line. So by all means, proceed."
The referee calls for the bell and it looks like this is going to be official. Luscious and Hotbody look like they're at a loss as to what to do. Hotbody eventually motions for Luscious to pull out a name and she reluctantly does so. The referee grabs the name and leans into the microphone to call it out. "It's....Luscious?"
Luscious shits the proverbial brick and Hotbody throws a fit. The ref reminds us that this is an official match as the ring crew removes the table and tumbler from the ring. Both Hotbody and Luscious continue to look puzzled and hesitant. Hotbody shrugs his shoulders and goes in for the kill, making his move! He locks in a....GRECO-ROMAN LIP LOCK!!! WHAT AMAZING TECHNIQUE ON DISPLAY HERE! Luscious appears to be paralyzed by its effects as she can't seem to break the hold! Hotbody applies more pressure causing Luscious to go weak in the knees and slowly collapse to the mat. He must be using some tongue to really crank it in! Luscious's shoulders are down! 1...2...3! HOTBODY RETAINS AFTER ANOTHER HOT AND SWEATY ORDEAL! Luscious looks like she's out of breath. They embrace in a display of incredible sportsmanship but here comes Ozzy Mandias to screw things up!!! Hotbody and Ozzy brawl around in a fury. Hotbody is down and Ozzy goes into the mount but Luscious breaks things up by smashing the tumbler over Ozzy. Hotbody recovers and once again sends Ozzy into the ringpost and takes himself and Luscious out of there. Seems weird to rate a match like this but I think I can call it ***** pretty confidently.
Backstage in the locker room area, The Play Pals are mulling over their recent woes with the Royal Effect. Gavin hopes that all of them can make it into the tag team gauntlet next week. Michael agrees as it would be pretty something to knock them down a peg while at the same time winning the titles one more time. Gavin talks about how it's been quite an adventure since reuniting and that he'd hate for it to go to waste. Unfortunately the Royal Effect seem keen on peeing on everyone's corn flakes here and they bust in for a surprise sneak attack on the Play Pals! McKay adds some choice words after the faces are down by telling them that the mission of the Royal Effect is to flush the waste that is the Play Pals out of the WWE as they take their leave.
Third (?) Match: Brandon Reigns vs. Clubber Harris
Seth Von Kamp watches the proceedings from the back as Reigns reminds everyone of the stakes at Unforgiven. Seth is good at playing the pretender but when the chips are down and when things really matter he'll disappoint as usual. There should be no excuses after Unforgiven because the last man standing will deserve to call themselves the Intercontinental Champion. And after that chapter is closed, Reigns can continue his path to the top as more and more pretenders get put in their pace. Promo aside we've got a pretty awesome match here. I need Reigns to be strong as he goes into his rematch. I also need him to be a savage douche and thus the Money in the Bank briefcase comes into play and Harris gets sent to Never Never Land. Reigns picks up the cheap pin. *****, 95% overall.
Fourth Match: Eddy Clash vs. ???
Galino & Farnes are both out in advance in order to address this scenario that was set up via Clash's contract signing on SmackDown!. Galino wants to point out that even though Eddy Clash requested this match, neither Galino or Farnes will be participating in this sham until the both of them have a chance to look over the joke of a contract that Lisa Benton offered Eddy. There has to be tons of clauses and other legal nonsense that need examining. Plus there's the fact that no other wrestler has ever had this sort of stipulation in their contracts so why should Eddy have one?!? The two of them promise that SERIOUS INQUIRIES will be made into the matter and that they will return with a full report. Until then, Eddy is out of luck!
This of course brings out Eddy Clash himself and he hops into the ring and takes a mic. He points out that even though he gave Luscious the option, Eddy doesn't actually need her to make a decision. Eddy will take his pick for his opponent right now and since Galino is the one annoying him the most, he's nominated. BOOT TO THE FACE OF GALINO! The ref orders Farnes out and calls for the bell!
Fourth Match: Eddy Clash vs. Freddie Galino
Well, here we go, I suppose. Galino just gets manhandled as he evidently wasn't prepared to actually compete. They end up and outside and Farnes has seen enough apparently and attacks Eddy for the DQ. Clash tries to fight both of them off but he's the proverbial babe in the woods and succumbs to the numbers game. Galino & Farnes hit SERIOUS INQUIRIES on the outside and leave Clash laying before taking their leave. ****1/2, 89% overall.
Fifth Match: Chris Collins vs. Kerry Cemenko
Quentin McDaniels joins the announce table offering his insight on Kerry Cemenko. Cemenko's loss at SummerSlam was just another brick removed from the structure holding up his career. He couldn't win the Unified World Title. He couldn't win King of the Ring. This might be the year where Cemenko has to take that long look in the mirror and question whether it's even worth hopping in that plane anymore because McDaniels is just another stroke of bad luck. Anyways, this is another match where they evidently bring their A-game to the table...even though it's just a Raw. Cemenko makes a few gestures towards McDaniels that are apparently so insulting that McDaniels has to run distraction. Cemenko takes his eye off the ball long enough to miss the Curb Stomp and Collins capitalizes by hitting the Fall From Heaven for the pin. McDaniels looks to pick the bones but HERE COMES ALEXANDER PIERO! He gets him some of Collins to even things out and we've got pandemonium! ****1/2, 93% overall.
In-Ring Super Special Talky Time with Kyle Jacobs. Kyle wants to talk about the measure of disappointment in himself that he's feeling right now. Somewhere in the middle of this year things took a turn for the worse for him. It started out promising enough as he had one of the most talked about moments of WrestleMania and managed to become the Intercontinental Champion. Oddly enough, though, the guy that Kyle beat at WrestleMania looks like he's going to be headlining Unforgiven, challenging for the Unified World Title. Meanwhile, Kyle stands here, with no opponent for Unforgiven and no championship. Instead Kyle is stuck on some loop-de-loop with Xavier Cross and quite frankly, he'd like to get off now. Kyle then proceeds to call out Xavier Cross and asks him to get his ass out here.
Cross eventually makes his way out but points out his annoyance with Kyle Jacobs. Cross doesn't answer to someone like Kyle. Kyle should be thanking his lucky stars that people like Xavier Cross exist so that the way is paved for people like Kyle.
Kyle asks if that's one of those lessons like humility that Cross was supposed to teach him. Cross says that there a boat load of lessons that he can teach Kyle. Multiple times if necessary since Kyle apparently can't get over what happened at SummerSlam. The kinds of lessons that Kyle's stupid dad and uncle should have taught. Kyle says that that's great news because he's in the mood for another match against Cross if he's up for it at Unforgiven. Cross claims that he likes the idea but he's going to need something in return if he's going to agree to it in order to make it worth his time and effort. Should Cross manage to pick up the win, AGAIN, Kyle Jacobs must DENOUNCE his heritage and become Cross's personal bitch. Kyle is going to get the proper breaking in that he deserves and he'll either quit in shame or be humbled by the greatest the business has to offer. Kyle ponders this over quietly for a bit but ultimately nods in agreement. We're building an impressive-looking Unforgiven!
Backstage we're joined by Sophie Waters and Shawn Dangerson. They want to take shots at Jason Sorola for what he did in the gauntlet last week. Sorola doesn't have to resort to crap like that because Dangerson is willing and able to take him on properly...IF Sorola has the balls.
Sixth Match: The Dillingers vs. The Tokyo Titans vs. Southern Gentlemen vs. The Academy
The winners here will qualify for the gauntlet for the Unified Tag Team Championship next week on Superstars. Brooke is out there with the Academy but she admits that she's got her mind on other matters because Noah Carmichael is supposed to be here to finally give us all a clear picture about his status for Unforgiven and whether or not he'll be giving Salvatore Scabbia his rightfully-earned title shot. This is one hell of a show between all these teams. It boils down to The Academy and the Dillingers and Justin Mitchell has Joey Dillinger in a pickle. Joey makes the comeback and is able to stay alive. Brooke prepares to hand Justin a foreign object but WAIT A SEC! Noah Carmichael shows up on the Titan Tron as he's apparently just arrived! Brooke is distracted by this as she glares and yells at the screen. Justin boots Joey away and he reaches out for Brooke's help but she's still turned around. Joey tags in Ben and Justin is too busy wondering what is Brooke's malfunction and gets rolled up for the pin. The Dillingers qualify! Afterwards, Justin Mitchell and Randy Ellis express their frustration with Brooke with some telling body language. *****, 94% overall.
FINAL SEGMENT: We're joined by the WWE Unified World Champion Noah Carmichael. He wants to talk about how this hasn't been the reign he envisioned when he was looking to win back the Unified World Title. He should have been out here these last few weeks, kicking ass and being right up in the face of Salvatore Scabbia. It would be easy to blame it on what went down at SummerSlam inside Hell in a Cell but we also have to face the fact that there's a load of bureaucracy that needs to be navigated. Carmichael has had to deal with Lisa Benton's precious little rules and guidelines and blah-blah-blah. Well, Carmichael has some good news for her that will hopefully put her at rest and keep her off his back. Carmichael has in his hand right here, medical clearance from his doctor stating that he will be ready to go at Unforgiven. Sadly, Carmichael will only get that clean bill of health IF he remains inactive in the time being. So it looks like back to sitting on his ass at home? Nah, Carmichael came all the way here to Raw to have a good time and DAMN IT he's going to have himself a good time!
Cue some people who aren't interested in Carmichael having a good time. Namely Brooke and Salvatore Scabbia and they make their way to the ring to confront the champion. Benton immediately sends out the goon squad to get in between the two men but Brooke takes the mic and addresses the situation. "Hey, hey, calm down, there's no need for any of this. We're not out here to be hostile. I mean, this is great news. Salvatore has his guarantee and all that needs to happen to ensure that it remains a guarantee is to make sure no tragedy befalls the great champion, Noah Carmichael. It's an interesting situation to say the least because I can speak for Salvatore when I say that he's been itching to finish what Hell in a Cell started. But if keeping his hands off you for the time being is what needs to be done in order for that goal to come to fruition, then so be it. But it's not good enough. See, this has been a long time coming and I think that Salvatore deserves a little something for his patience and cooperation. While he may be willing to make sure you're good to go for Unforgiven, there are so many other variables that are outside of his control that may put a damper on all of that. So I've taken the liberty to draw up a little something here. You claim that you're eager to compete at Unforgiven, then you need to put your money where your mouth is, quite literally. This document that I'm handing to you is a bit of insurance, Carmichael. We are asking you to put up a $5 million dollar performance bond for your participation in this match. That way you have some extra motivation to remain on the path to full recovery and won't be looking for a way out of this. Put your name on the dotted line, Carmichael, and let's see if you're more than just words. Like I told you before, you're not taking this away from me and you're certainly not taking this from Salvatore Scabbia. He is overdue in regards to that Unified World Title and he is not going to see it slip away just yet. What's it going to be?"
Carmichael takes the contract in his hands and looks it over. "You know, I can't speak for everyone here but I'm getting pretty sick and tired of seeing legal documents and lawyer speak all over this program, you know? Look, I get it. You're miffed. You're anxious. You see that brass ring and it's just out of your reach. You just have to push a little harder. Stretch a little further. Play even dirtier. Be even scummier. Act more pathetic. You really think I want out of this match after what the hell you did to me at SummerSlam? Bitch, I've been counting the seconds to the moment I can do to you what I did to Butch Fleming. You want to talk about what you're owed. What you're owed is what I tell you you're owed. You certainly have my attention and you're welcome to it along with all the trouble it comes with. So I'll sign this piece of paper. I won't have to worry about losing any money because I am showing up at Unforgiven, one way or another. But you, Scabbia, are going to have to worry about facing a Noah Carmichael who isn't bloodied, lying on a stretcher."
"It doesn't really matter. You're going to end up like that anyway." And with that decree Scabbia slaps Carmichael across the face! Carmichael looks to start a fight but the goon squad hold the line and keep the two separated! WE'RE OUT OF TIME!!!
Overall show rating: 85%