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(before you bitch, yes this was posted in the NWO thread as well but chances are nobody will read it there because the show is over...so suck it.)
Ladies and Gentlemen...SCHLOMEY PROUDLY PRESENTS....HIMSELF PROGRESSIVELY GETTING DRUNKER AND DRUNKER AS THE SHOW GOES ON.....a Paramount Review of WWE NO WAY OUT 2012:
Welcome everyone! I am on my first beer and first shot of Jamaican Rum. I will continue to drink until the closing moments of the show. This review is in bullet point format. ENJOY!
Sheamus vs Ziggler – WHC Title Match
The DDT that Ziggler hit on Sheamus from his shoulders.
Sheamus mixing his rough neck style with Zigglers ground/submission attack style. One of Sheamus’ finest matches. .
Although he lost this signifies Ziggler as a main event player in my mind. I hope he keeps this role going forward and not falling back into mid card obscurity.
3/5 - Good opener. Both men worked very well with each other adapting to differentiating styles. I did not expect Ziggler to win as there was no build up but I fully feel that the WWE will finally take notice that this man is finally ready for the big game.
Santino vs Ricardo – Tux Match
Skipped this. The power of being a pirate…ARRRGGG!
Christian vs Cody – IC Title
I used to love Christian the way I love Cody now.
So far its no better than a tv match. (5 minutes in)
That spinnarooni DDT on the floor was pretty tight but now back to mediocre. Is it just me or does Christian have the same match every night?
The ending sequence was bad ass. Like the last minute made this match.
2.5/5 – overall it was kinda boring. The ending sequence saved the match from total bomb-dom.
Tag Team Jerkoff Match For #1 Contendership
Fast paced. I love tag wrestling. I wish this would have opened the show really.
Uso samoan drop double team on Gabriel was amazing.
Why the fuck does black cena and small zeke Jackson wear neon pink? They are no billy and chuck. More like Leroy and Tyson. #racism
3 back body drops is not as cool as 3 germans. Eddie fail.
Primo got ups. He missed. But his ups are very up.
I firmly believe Tyson kidd could save the world. Fucking leg! Spinny neckbreaker thing. Ballsacks. Kidd sold that backstabber like a champ.
U-SO – mediocre fly move. If you are going to ask the crowd to chant your name you must do something. Undertaker has more ups than them at 50.
Frankensteiner on the floor. God I wish dusty Rhodes was around to comment on that shit. Give me a damn bicycle and this would be a 5 star.
It is cool that billy and chuck in black and white won this match but having AW do a heel turn….he is never on TV and does anything…..who gives a flying dick sandwich about this being that they have devoted zero time to him. I wish I cared cuz yeah..tag wrestling.
4/5 – best display of tag wrestling the wwe has put on in a very very long time. #BlackPower
HHH is talking is this a RAW or a PPV? All he did was announce what we already knew. Filler.
Layla vs Beth – Diva Title
I was going to skip this but I actually like both of these (in respect to all the other divas). So far its pretty good and kind of brutal. Layla just got sent into the guard rail. Not a big deal but not something we see in diva matches every week.
I’m going to take this moment to pause….the show…and jerk off to sexy pix of layla.
Ok we are back. I couldn’t go thru with it. I felt watched.
Botch in the corner..bret hart you are not. (you know what I meant if you ever saw a stone cold vs bret match)
Her neckbreaker is better than any mans neckbreaker.
3.5/5 (Diva “red tee” rating) – the rating comes from layla retaining and the neckbreaker and some of the brutality. The rest was kind of a mess but still better than any tv match (which is kinda the point).
AJ and Kane in an eerie red room. Why does every arena the WWE visits have a room full of red lights? That kiss was hot..her upper lip is slobbery wet.
Mexican dude vs Masked Mexican Dude
Match just started…Hoping Hunico wins. Just cuz.
Booker T reminds me of my uncle when he is drunk.
The crowd is dead….bath salt zombie dead.
Sin Cara with another win…shocking.
1/5 – Boring. The WWE need to give Cara a feud or SOMETHING or he will never last. Hunico needs to start stealing shit or he’ll be gone within a few months.
Punk vs Bryan vs Kane – WWE Title Match
Pre match notes – I hate Kane now. Slow and plodding. Just don’t give a fuck. Punk and Bryan are my 2 favorites at the moment. Gernter….while I respect you …I disagree with things you say sometimes. Dunno why that pooped into my brain. Hoping Puink retains.
YES NO YES NO YES NO – I say yes to both. Dashing Daniel and Passionate Punk. Just noticed that Punk and Bryan basically wear the exact same attire. Tighty whities and knee high boots. Punk is straight edge and Bryan is a Vegan….They should be a tag team. Team Goatface.
I swear to my Jew God that Lawler and Cole suck at banter (at least tonight). Booker T should do color and play by play. I want to hear him fight with himself buh gawd. “dats a browken rib rite derr baby”
Never been a fan of triple threat matches (until the closing minutes) …this is no different. Damn Kane’s fault.
The YES kicks is the highlight thus far. Woooooooooo yes!
How long has Punk been champ? Feels like forever. Not like I care…first time in a long time I love having a long term champion. I hope it doesn’t end at this mediocre pPV.
Bryan doing a Benoit flying headbutt. I hope he doesn’t get fired.
“ kane just took a bad speeel” – Booker T Washington
Where is AJ? Kane just hit a flying clothesline. I ‘m ready for some sex appeal.
Punk just yelled something before hitting kane with the macho man elbow…anyone? What did he say?
I dunno…for the first time in a long time Kane is actually moving faster than a crawl and is keeping up with the action in this match. …….aaaaand there is AJ.
GTS on Kane and Punk wins. I think they expected Bryan to stay down too long. GTS is a hot move but Bryan should not have stayed down for that many minutes.
3/5 – Not as good as expected. I wanted more AJ / square of love. I guess this will lead to more drama later..but common guys..PPV…something more could/should have happened.
Attaboy kane…Bitches love being carried.
Ryback squash
1/5 – no comments. I hate this guy. Sorry to the lovers but I’m not a fan of squash guys…they always end up the same. Lose to Cena. Fired in 6 months. Even if he does last longer than that he is no better than any of them. Much prefer Mike Knox and his amazing bicycle kick and cross body block. FEAR THE BEARD.
Big Show vs John Cena – Cage Match
Have little to no interest in this match. Don’t give 2 shits who wins or loses…WWE main event fail.
Lets go cena..cena sucks….as old to me as WHAT
This match sucks. I don’t care how many beers or shots of Jamaican rum I take I cannot get myself to give 2 fucks.
Everyone is out cold. Who woulda thunk. Brodus Clay with a chair. I guess that’s better than the same awful dance every week.
Zack Ryder put his head down to get hit…makes me a sad panda. Bored with Kofi and his schtick but that sequence was kinda fun.
Spoiler alert – Cena wins. Meh still don’t give 2 fucks. At least until RAW tonight.
2/5 – fun moments but yeah I cant give a shit. The 2 points came for the FU to Johnny and Vinnie Mac’s famous words. Kayfabe fun!
Overall rating: 20 out of 40
Glad I didn’t pay for this.
STAR OF THE SHOW – Dolph Ziggler – He gained the most from this show at least
DUD OF THE SHOW – Christian. Always have been a huge fan but I am not so sure even he cares much anymore it felt like tonight
BEST MATCH – Tag Team Jerkfest
WORST MATCH – Cena vs Big Show…Ryback squash doesn’t count here….I was hoping to be pleasantly surprised but I wasn’t.
Overall it was a mediocre show at best. I don’t even think the WWE cared very much about this show. They didn’t dress up their set at all…didn’t look any different from a Monday Night RAW. To close the show I take one last shot and hope tomorrow nights RAW tops this almost snooze fest.
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