[OssMan]

Aright I'm gonna write this while it's still fresh on my mind. So I don't even know the name of this flick, in Spanish it is Amanecer which I guess is Breaking Dawn or some shit. We were gonna see some other movie that was playing but the lady was like nah the only movie left is this one so you gotta see that. She asked us, it's in Spanish so is that gonna be a problem. I was like nah. In fact I probably enjoyed it much more this way.

So the movie starts off and you see this wedding invitation for the main chick and the main dude. And you're like aright. You see the chick and she is pretty normal looking. We will call her Bella, because that is her name. The dude shows up at some point and this motherfucker is super white... he's like the anti-nigga. He tells her some shit where he's like, yo I know we're getting married real soon or somethin but you gotta know that I went to this movie theater in the 50's and bit someone... And she's like oh that's fucked up but whatever... so then his friends start jumpin up in the window and then he leaves with them to go frolic in the woods.

So I guess that guy's power is he can like, go fast. Him and his friends go fast into the woods. Then they're at the wedding and this fuckin thing is in the middle of the woods somewhere with all the benches handcrafted out of wood and fuckin cherry blossoms draped over the whole place. At the party the two of them go a little ways away and this other fucker with a permanent scowl affixed to his face shows up and he's like yo why the fuck did you have this wedding all the way out here in the feckin woods, took me forever to find it now I'm late and the girl is like cause we wanted to and he gets really pissed and then Anti-Nigga pushes him away.

So I dunno where this is all taking places but it seems to be somewhere in the pacific northwest with all these forests of evergreen trees and snowcapped mountains and whitewater rivers. But suddenly there's a shot of that giant jesus christ statue in brazil and I guess they used that fucker's go-fast powers to travel to Brazil for the honey moon, except now they're in a taxi driving through the city so what the hell. They get out for a second to dance which is maybe the most pointless part in the movie. Then the two of them get in this speedboat with a brazil flag on the back and they're the only boat in the ocean and they drive to this fuckin island right off the coast with this house right on the beach... the Anti-Nigga has a shit load of cash somehow.

So after a while the newly-wed 17 year old couple goes skinny dipping and then he brings her back into the bed for the first of about 9 fuck scenes and he is just railing her on this bed and the fuckin thing collapses Evan Stone style. He rips a whole in the wood post or something and the thing just completely falls and she's like oh it's ok and they keep fucking. You see them fucking in different outfits and at one point he uses his goes-fast power to jump off a waterfall with her on his back. Fun.

Then I guess a few mornings later the chick wakes up and sees a note left by anti-nigga saying "I'm going hunting on the mainland"... the fuck? Anyway she heats up some chicken and starts eating it and is like yo this chicken is whack forreal... so she goes and pukes in the toilet and then anti-nigga shows up and she's like is this possible? and he's like yeah that chicken is fuckin two weeks old i just hunted some new ones and she's like noh... i'm pregnant this is impossible (what the fuck was she thinking since she fucked him like 20 diff times unprotected).

Then for some reason all these friends of theirs are on the island too playing soccer on the beach including the dude with the scowl and he's pissed about something, I don't even remember. That's like the motif of this movie. Anti-Nigga phones for a private jet to fly everyone back to wherever the fuck they live and there everyone finds out she's pregno.

I don't know what happened there but they get home the next day and the fuckin girl is like 6 months pregnant with the kid. Scowl comes into the house and finds out and then goes into the woods and rage-morphs into a wolf and calls for a bunch of other wolves who can also speak spanish and they meet at this damn and decide they're gonna eat the baby. Anti-Nigga gets on yahoo and does some internet search about his baby and it turns out it's gonna be a harlequin baby or something.

Ok so in their house in the middle of the forest they have this state of the art operating room set up in the fuckin study. They get her in there and are like yo you gotta drink some blood. And she's like aright lemme get some and Scowl is like nah I worked at smoothie king lemme make it good... so he takes the blood and blends it with ice and some shit and puts it in a smoothie cup for her and he's like ok here you go. Seriously smoothie king really missed out a big spot for product placement there. They coulda slapped their logo on that cup and then served a Twilight-themed smoothie at their stores. Fareelydoe.

So Anti-Nigga gets pissed about something and then you have this standoff between him and the scowling fucker somewhere in the woods, this part is like the Count of Monte Cristo except not at all. then they leave. Scowl turns into a wolf again here I'm pretty sure. At this point I had eaten like 10 pieces of popcorn which was enough to remind me that I still had food poisoning so I was kinda trying not to shit myself and stopped paying attention.

Anyway like another month passes and the chick is more pregnant and she looks worse and worse every time you see her. It's like how that dude from Shadow of the Colossus keeps getting more pale and grows horns and shit every time he defeats a colossus. Except with this it's like, every time this fucker scowls at her it makes her condition worsen. Again somebody is pissed and there is another standoff between Anti-Nigga and Scowl's Moving Castle which is like a combination of the balcony scene from Romeo and Juliet and the fight scene with Scorpion from the Mortal Kombat movie. Edmond Dantes the Anti-Nigga is up on a balcony and Scowl is in the woods and is all "get over here" so he uses his go fast power to meet him. I don't remember what happens but I assure you it isn't important.

Some of their friends start to get ripped apart by wolves but then anti-nigga shows up and just punches one of them? Also there is this one fucker with a huge neck and a tiny head who starts to act like the voice of reason half way through the movie. He's like get out of here scowl... you're not wanted here and I think that's what pissed Scowl of one of the times.

Right before the girl is about to give birth you see Scowl and bunch of people sitting on a couch and they show a clip of college football for a second, USC is number 1 in the country wtf? I'm not even gonna pretend that I follow college football though so I don't know when that was. So then the girl is like oh shit... and she drops her blood smoothie and her fuckin spine bends completely backwards like she had scoliosis this whole time and you see a slow motion shot of all four other people's faces who were in the room... including Scowl who did the people's eyebrow at one point.

So she goes into labor I guess and suddenly everyone is a doctor, including this dumb bitch who hasn't done shit the whole movie and she's being all "scalpel!" and edmond dantes is like no don't do it, ok do it. They cut open her stomach and the baby comes out with no umbilical cord and then they realize the girl isn't breathing, so here comes Scowl to save the day and give her CPR but of course it didn't work because the dumbass didn't do the proper head-tilt-chin-lift maneuver (or tell someone else in the room to go call 911 and get an AED) so he has an emotional breakdown and rage-morphs again.

Anti-Nigga The Righteous One does all he can to bring her back but it won't work. He starts biting all over her trying to give her hickeys so the blood will start flowing or something. All it does is make it look like some Manson family shit, she's just got bite marks all over her all pale and dead. Then you see some CSI type thing where they go into her body and you are seeing all her blood vessels crystalize and shit and it makes no sense. Then the camera is now above her face with her eyes closed and it spins around for a few seconds before stopping as it is directly over her face. The music stops and accompanied by a loud boom...... suddenly her eyes open. The screen goes black.

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